Gay and lesbian married couples in legal limbo in Utah USA

A federal judge’s decision to overturn Utah’s same-sex marriage ban allowed Matthew Barraza and Tony Milner to do more than just get married. It opened the door for Milner to become legally recognized as the parent of their 4-year-old son. The couple moved quickly to get adoption paperwork started so that Jesse, their blue-eyed, cowboy-boot-wearing little boy, could have both of his parents recognized, not just Barraza. But those plans were frozen after the U.S. Supreme Court brought gay marriages to a halt and Utah Gov. Gary Herbert instructed state agencies to stop granting gay and lesbian couples new benefits. Now, Barraza and Milner are among hundreds of newly married gay and lesbian couples in Utah stuck in legal limbo. The couple is one of four in a new lawsuit filed Tuesday by the American Civil Liberties Union suing Utah over its decision not to recognize the gay marriages, which the ACLU claims has created wrenching uncertainty. The state’s decision prevents the couples from getting key protections for themselves and their children, the lawsuit says. “Heaven forbid, if something should happen to one us, Jesse would have the security of having the other parent take care of him,” said Milner, 34. “Now, because of the state’s refusal to recognize our marriage, this peace of mind is once again out of reach.” The other couples in the lawsuit cited a range of concerns that include emergency medical decision-making and health insurance. Marty Carpenter, the Utah governor’s spokesman, responded by saying that Herbert “has said throughout this process that his responsibility is to follow the law. That is exactly what the administration is doing, and we respect the rights of those who disagree to take their grievances before a judge.” More than 1,000 gay and lesbian couples rushed to marry after a federal judge in Utah overturned the state’s same-sex marriage ban on Dec. 20. U.S. District Judge Robert Shelby ruled that the ban violates gay and lesbian couples’ constitutional rights. Those weddings came to a halt on Jan. 6 when the U.S. Supreme Court granted Utah an emergency stay, something two lower courts denied. After the Supreme Court issued the stay, Herbert told state agencies to hold off on moving forward with any new benefits for the couples until the courts resolve the issue. Agencies were told not to revoke anything already issued, such as a driver’s license with a new name, but they are prohibited from approving any new marriages or benefits. More recently, the state tax commission announced that newly married gay and lesbian couples can jointly file their taxes for 2013. The state made clear it was not ordering agencies to void the marriages, saying instead that validity of the marriages will ultimately be decided by the Denver-based 10th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which is weighing an appeal from the state. John Mejia, legal director for the ACLU in Utah, disagreed with that assessment, saying the marriages performed during the 17-day window when gay marriage was legal are valid no matter what the court rules. He said the couples have vested rights in their new unions and should be able to move forward with efforts to make partners legal guardians of children or add their spouses to their health insurance or pension plans. It could take more than a year for the courts to rule on Utah’s same-sex marriage ban, especially if it moves to the U.S. Supreme Court, Mejia said. “They’ve put a giant question mark over the lives of all these people that have married,” Mejia said. “We’re seeking a declaration that these valid marriages must be recognized.” Utah has 20 days to file a court response to the suit, said Salt Lake City attorney Erik Strindberg, who is working with the ACLU on the lawsuit. The state could ask a Utah judge to put the case on hold until the federal appeals court rules, Strindberg said. But the ACLU would fight such a request, he said. The ACLU believes the federal government has taken the correct stance on the new marriages. U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder came out days after Herbert’s decree and said the federal government will honor the gay marriages and grant benefits. That means that same-sex couples who were married in Utah can file federal taxes jointly, get Social Security benefits for spouses and request legal immigration status for partners, among other benefits. There are currently 17 states that allow gay marriage, with Utah and Oklahoma in limbo pending decisions by appeals courts. Article: 22nd January 2013 www.washingtonpost.com

LGBT families and children can benefit from picture books designed for them

LGBT families and children can benefit from picture books that are designed to cater for them. I once asked a lesbian I know who is raising children with her wife what her favourite LGBTQ picture books were. She told me she didn’t have any. I wondered why not and she replied, “Because my kids can see their lesbian mums at home. They don’t need to read about it, too.” This answer shocked me, because we know that children want and need to see reflections of themselves and their families in the books they read (and also in the TV shows and films they watch). If they don’t see people who are like them, they begin to worry if they are abnormal, or if something is wrong with themselves or their families. They may also feel lonely and scared. Families with two mums or two dads have generally thought a lot about how to make and raise their children and also about how to explain their family set-ups to their kids. They generally have a sense of when it might be appropriate to tell their kids about, say, surrogates or sperm donors, or how to explain adoption or in-vitro fertilisation. But they don’t always know what to do beyond the factual level. And this is where fiction comes in. Fiction is a wonderful tool that lets readers of all ages learn and try out new experiences and ideas, but it also helps readers feel comforted or entertained. For children of LGBTQ parents, literature helps them realise just how normal and acceptable their families are. For example, the children of the lesbian I previously mentioned might not know any other kids with two mums or two dads, and they might worry that their family is weird or is something to be ashamed of. If they had access to books that featured other families like theirs, they would know that they aren’t the only children to have two mums or the only children to have been created using sperm from a donor who deposited at a fertility clinic. Literature would connect them to other people who are like them, and this would give them confidence about their lives and their situations. So what are some of the best LGBTQ picture books? Not all of them feature LGBTQ parents, but even the ones that don’t will help remind children that there is nothing immoral or strange about being LGBTQ and also that LGBTQ people have lives that aren’t so different from heterosexual or cisgender lives. Here are a few of my favourites: Donovan’s Big Day by Lesléa Newman: Newman is arguably the preeminent author of LGBTQ books for children and some of her other texts are worth getting too (such as Mommy, Mama, and ME). In this book, Donovan has an important role to play in his mothers’ wedding. There is no need for Newman to explain why Donovan has two mums or why they are getting married; rather, it is just assumed that this is normal and acceptable, which is a great step forward for children’s literature. This book works well because it focuses on Donovan and his experiences on this big day. The Purim Superhero by Elisabeth Kushner: Nate wants to be an alien in the Purim costume parade, but all the other boys are dressing as superheroes. His two fathers and sister encourage him to be himself and to do what he wants, but he worries he will feel too different if he does. As in Newman’s book, Kushner does not defend or explain Nate’s family set-up and instead just talks about Nate’s feelings regarding fitting in. It is also a useful book because it is one of the few LGBTQ books to feature a character who isn’t Christian. 10,000 Dresses by Marcus Ewert: This is one of the very few picture books to feature the T in LGBTQ. Bailey dreams of dresses, but her family does not accept her for who she is. They insist that she is a boy who should avoid girlish things. She finally finds support from a friend. This book would be especially useful for genderqueer children or for the children of trans or genderqueer parents, and it is one of the best trans books available for younger readers. The Family Book by Todd Parr: Parr often features LGBTQ families in his work (see We Belong Together too). In this one, he depicts a variety of families, assuring child readers that there are many types of families and that they are all equally valid. His illustrations are bold and bright and will hold a child’s attention. King and King by Linda De Haan and Stern Nijland: A prince’s mother tells him it is time to get married, but he does not like any of the princesses she offers him. He does, however, like one of the princesses’ brothers. The two princes marry and live happily ever after. In the sequel, King and King and Family, the two princes adopt a child. In sum, there are some wonderful LGBTQ picture books available and families with two mums or two dads (or other variations on LGBTQ set-ups) would be doing their children a great service by having such books in their house. After all, you see heterosexual families everywhere – in most books and most TV shows and films – and it’s time for children with LGBTQ parents to have a chance to see reflections of themselves and their families too. Article: 30th October 2013 www.pinksnews.co.uk

Italian pasta brand Barilla refuses to use gay families in their advertising

Guido Barilla, chairman of the company of the same name, told a radio interviewer the concept of the "classic" family was fundamental. If gay people disliked the concept, he said, they could "eat another brand". His comments were an "offensive provocation", according to the head of gay rights group Equality Italia. If gays like our pasta and our communication, they will eat our pasta. If not, they can avoid it and eat another brand” "We accept the invitation from the Barilla owner to not eat his pasta," Aurelio Mancuso said, urging a boycott of the company's pasta, sauces and snacks. The hash tags Barilla and boicottabarilla (boycott Barilla) became top trending terms among Italians using Twitter. Alessandro Zan, a gay Italian MP, tweeted: "You can't mess around with consumers, including gay ones." 'Slightly different' In the interview given to Radio 24 on Tuesday, Mr Barilla had been asked if adverts for his company would ever feature a gay family. "We have a slightly different culture," he replied. "For us, the concept of sacred family remains one of the fundamental values of the company. Ours is a traditional family. If gays like our pasta and our communication, they will eat our pasta. If not, they can avoid it and eat another brand. You can't please everyone in order to displease no-one. "I wouldn't do an ad with a homosexual family not because I disrespect gays - they have their right to do whatever they want without disturbing others - but because I don't think like them and I think that the family we try to address is anyway a classic family." On Thursday, Mr Barilla issued a statement to apologise, explaining that he was trying to say "simply that the woman plays a central role in a family". "Barilla features families in its commercials because it embraces anyone, and they have always been identified with our brand," he added. Despite a strong gay culture, Italy is one of the few states in Western Europe which does not recognise same-sex unions in law. In its latest annual survey, the gay rights watchdog Ilga-Europe found the country continued to have a "relatively high level of homophobia and transphobia which expresses itself through violence". Article: 29th September 2013 www.bbc.co.uk Read more about gay parenting at www.prideangel.com

Lesbian and gay parenting books should be featured in schools

Mark McGlashan, from Lancaster University, said pupils as young as five should be introduced to texts that "challenge homophobic bullying and encourage inclusivity in schools". There is evidence that giving young children access to picture books that show gay and lesbian characters in a good light can have “positive benefits” and promote equality, it is claimed. His comments come before a conference in Westminster next week aimed at understanding how homophobia and homophobic bullying can be challenged through the use of resources in primary schools. Earlier this year, the National Union of Teachers urged staff to use “anti-sexist” materials designed to challenge common gender stereotypes. The union has designed lessons using such books that are being used in schools Norfolk, Portsmouth, London and Nottingham. It recommends books such as Bill's New Frock, The Boy With Pink Hair, William's Doll, The Different Dragon, Girls Are Best and Dogs Don't Do Ballet. Last week, Michael Gove, the Education Secretary, also called for fresh action to stamp out the use of the word “gay” as an insult in schools. Mr McGlashan, who has done extensive analyses of representations of same-sex parents in picture books, said next week’s conference would “look at children's literature as a means to challenge homophobic bullying and encourage inclusivity in schools”. “Part of that aim could include increasing the availability of LGBT literature to educators,” he said. "There is evidence that promoting cultural inclusivity in early years education has positive benefits with regard to challenging homophobia and this will also be discussed at the conference. "Research has shown that resources such as picturebooks can be positively implemented in primary schools to tackle homophobia at its roots. "Ofsted now specifically looks at homophobic bullying as an issue in schools and it really is a significant problem. “The idea is that LGBT-inclusive literature could help schools address an issue that really is negatively impacting the lives of young people but the resources aren't there - there just isn't enough good literature available.” The event, which will be attended by academic experts, publishers and politicians, including Stephen Twigg, Labour's shadow education secretary, aims to generate debate on how literature featuring same-sex parents can be used to break down prejudices and challenge stereotypes prevalent in schools. The conference – funded by Lancaster’s Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS) Enterprise Centre – will be held on July 16 at Westminster Hall. The event has also been created in association with Lancaster's Centre for Corpus Approaches to Social Science (CASS), funded by the Economic and Social Research Council (ESRC). Mr McGlashan said: "The consultation should result in the production of a number of recommendations to make better quality resources available to educators. "Bringing together people to discuss the need to grow the LGBT-inclusive children's literature market, we hope will address some of the shortfalls that exist and produce a number of recommendations for the use of these books in schools as well as discuss their status in retail." He added: "Homophobic bullying in schools is a significant and prevalent issue. A Stonewall report in 2012 revealed 55 per cent of LGB children in British schools experience bullying. "Children's literature is a key educational source in creating an inclusive culture. LGBT-inclusive books are yet to become a staple of school libraries. "But, why not integrate or produce LGBT-inclusive resources that help our schools prevent homophobic bullying? There is work in the area but not enough and this is what this conference is hoping to address. "There is a growing recognition of the need, want and support for resources aimed at young people to promote inclusive, anti-homophobic practices but there is still little being done to address the lack of resources." Article: 11th July 2013 www.telegraph.co.uk

Are you soon to be a new gay or lesbian parent?

I’m Adam and currently working on the second series of the prime time show Don’t Just Stand There….I’m Having Your baby which airs on BBC3 at 9pm. Last series, first time Dads-to-be were shown how to be more supportive during their partner’s pregnancy and during the birth itself. In one to one sessions with a fully trained midwife, the Dads were taught about many aspects of pregnancy and labour including cervical dilation, pain relief, massage, breathing techniques and birthing positions. They were also given practical home work like wearing an empathy belly, looking after a robotic baby and watching a birthing video. We wanted to help him become the perfect birthing partner for Mum and make the whole experience more positive than petrifying! Last year we worked closely with the Royal College of Midwives in the making of this series and they were very pleased with the result. The first series was very successful and the Dads we filmed found the experience both positive and rewarding as they became more equipped to deal with the arrival of their little ones. This series we would love to meet and speak with gay and lesbian couples who are currently on the journey into parenthood. I would really like to hear your story and find out, as a first time parent, what this means to you and also how we could help. If you have any questions and fancy a chat about the series please feel free to call me on 0208 008 4901 or email me on adam.lonergan@bbc.co.uk. Thanks for your time and hopefully speak soon. Adam. Article: 21st May 2013 www.prideangel.com

Children in gay adoption are at no disadvantage study shows

Recent Study shows children adopted by lesbian and gay couples are at no disadvantage. Fears that children do less well in life are completely unfounded, according to the first study into how children and parents in non-traditional families fare compared with heterosexual households. The findings, from the University of Cambridge's Centre for Family Research, will be published in a report by the British Association of Adoption and Fostering tomorrow. Researchers found that gay and lesbian parents are at least as good at coping with the demands of parenting. Children do not suffer any disadvantage, and the vast majority are not bullied at school, but the report warns: "Bullying and teasing are much more of a problem in secondary schools than primary schools; thus, only follow-up will reveal how things turn out in the future." The experiences of 130 gay, lesbian and heterosexual adoptive families in Britain, with children aged four to eight, were examined – focusing on the quality of family relationships, how parents cope and how children adjust. The study concludes "there was no evidence" to support speculation that children's masculine or feminine tendencies are affected by having gay or lesbian parents. Family life and the quality of relationships are very similar for children regardless of their parents' sexual orientation, it says. Professor Susan Golombok, director of the Cambridge centre and report co-author, said: "What I don't like is when people make assumptions that a certain type of family, such as gay fathers, will be bad for children. The anxieties about the potentially negative effects for children of being placed with gay fathers seem to be, from our study, unfounded." Gay men are less likely to have depression, anxiety, stress and relationship problems while coping with parenthood. One reason cited is that "same-sex couples were much less likely to have experienced infertility on their route to parenthood and were more likely to come to adoption as their first choice". In addition, "gay fathers, in particular, are extremely committed to parenting". The former TV presenter Phil Reay-Smith, who has an adopted son, said: "I'm not at all surprised that gay couples have been found to be just as good adopters as straight adopters are. I look at my own family, which is me, my husband, Michael, and our son, Scott, who is six, and we just have a very boring family life. We haven't had any problems in the playground yet. My main concern is perhaps what happens at secondary school, but my belief is that if we educate him to have the confidence in himself about his family situation, he'll be able to deal with anything that does crop up." The issue of children being brought up by same-sex parents divides opinion. Welsh Secretary David Jones was condemned last month after claiming that gay couples "clearly" could not provide a "warm and safe environment for the upbringing of children". He has since said he is not opposed to same-sex adopters. More lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people should come forward, said Sir Martin Narey, the Government's adoption adviser. Speaking on the eve of LGBT adoption and fostering week, he said: "I have seen how LGBT people, who tend to come to adoption as their first choice for becoming parents, bring determination and enthusiasm to it. Many more gay adopters need to be encouraged to come forward." Article: 3rd March 2013 www.independent.co.uk

'Gay couples cannot provide safe environment for children' states MP

The Welsh secretary has said gay couples "clearly" cannot provide a "warm and safe environment" in which to raise children. On ITV Wales' Face to Face programme, David Jones said this was why he had voted against the government's legislation for same-sex marriage. The Conservative MP said he was not homophobic and had "people in my life who are important to me who are gay". But Labour said the comments showed "the nasty party is alive and well". MPs were given a free vote on same-sex marriage legislation in the Commons last week, meaning that they were allowed to vote according to their consciences and did not face sanctions for taking an opposing view to their party leaders. Prime Minister David Cameron is a strong supporter of same-sex marriage, but Mr Jones was one of two cabinet ministers to vote against it. 'Overwhelming opposition' The Welsh secretary told ITV: "I regard marriage as an institution that has developed over many centuries, essentially for the provision of a warm and safe environment for the upbringing of children, which is clearly something that two same-sex partners can't do. "Which is not to say that I'm in any sense opposed to stable and committed same-sex partnerships." He said he believed his constituents were "overwhelmingly" opposed to the government's plan to allow same-sex couples to marry or convert their civil partnerships to marriages. In a statement after the interview, Mr Jones added: "I made the point of stressing that I was fully supportive of committed same-sex relationships. I also strongly approve of civil partnerships. "I did not say in the interview that same-sex partners should not adopt children and that is not my view. "I simply sought to point out that, since same-sex partners could not biologically procreate children, the institution of marriage was one that, in my opinion, should be reserved to opposite sex partners." 'Ill-informed' But shadow Welsh secretary Owen Smith strongly criticised the secretary of state's original remarks. "That such views exist in the heart of the Tory cabinet provides yet more evidence of how out of touch the Tories are with modern Britain, and how David Cameron's claim to have changed his party is, like so many of his promises, nothing more than empty words," the Labour MP said. "David Jones's comments are profoundly offensive and he should apologise immediately." The director of campaign group Stonewall Cymru, Andrew White, said: "We're saddened that the secretary of state for Wales should make such an offensive and inaccurate remark. "There are many different types of family in Wales today, including many same-sex couples raising children. It's deeply undermining to families and children when they hear this sort of ill-informed comment. "Fortunately, recent YouGov polling for Stonewall Cymru shows that the secretary of state's views are out of touch with the majority of people, both in Wales and throughout Great Britain." strong>Article: 15th February 2013 www.bbc.co.uk

Gay and lesbian families to be given legal protection in Ireland

Ireland to introduce a new bill to give greater protection for gay and lesbian families. Ireland’s Gay and Lesbian Equality Network (GLEN) has welcomed comments made by Justice Minister Alan Shatter on the need to improve legal provision for gay parents and their children with new legislation. Speaking at an LGBT reception on Wednesday, Mr Shatter confirmed that the Irish government would bring forward new legislation to secure “equal citizenship for lesbian and gay parents”. Mr Shatter announced a comprehensive Family Relationships and Children Bill, to be enacted by the end of 2013, which will provide for relationships of guardianship, custody and access for children in lesbian and gay headed families. The proposed bill will also provide greater financial security for the children of same-sex parents by addressing maintenance and inheritance rights, and issues concerning assisted human reproduction. In response, the chair of GLEN Kieran Rose said: “This is great news for lesbian and gay couples who are parenting children. One of the most urgent issues for these parents is the lack of legal certainty for their families and the lack of protection and security for their children. “The reforms the minister outlined this evening will transform the status of these families, and secure for their children the range of protections and supports available to children in other families.” Article: 21st November 2012 www.pinknews.co.uk

Mail on Sunday would like to hear from Children raised in same-sex families

A Features Writer for the Mail on Sunday is looking for anyone who might be able help with a positive feature they are working on for this Sunday’s newspaper. They are looking to speak to young people, aged between six and 30, about their experience of being raised by same-sex parents. (They would also like to speak to one of their parents as well, if possible). The tone of this article would be 100% positive. It is in response to Sir Elton John’s concerns this week that his son Zachary will have a ‘very difficult’ childhood because he is raised by same-sex parents. 'We want our case studies to say why this isn’t the case' said Laura. Ideally, they would love them to talk a little about their childhood and highlight why it was a positive experience and they wouldn’t change it at all. Laura the features writer would be really grateful if you’d get in touch to laura.powell@mailonsunday.co.uk and liz.sanderson@mailonsunday.co.uk. Alternatively, their office line is 020 3615 3239. Many thanks. or if you just want a little more information please contact us at Pride Angel.

Elton John and David Furnish want a brother or sister for baby Zachary

Since his son’s birth 18 months ago, Sir Elton John has been the epitome of the proud father. But the flamboyant star, now enjoying life as the parent of a toddler, has admitted it will be ‘heartbreaking’ for Zachary to grow up without a mother. The singer, 65, and his civil partner David Furnish, were delighted when Zachary arrived on Christmas Day 2010. Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John – to give him his full name – was born via surrogate in California and was conceived using a donor egg. Sir Elton and Mr Furnish, 49, have made it no secret that they want to have another child, and may start trying to father a sibling for Zachary this summer. However, in an interview, Sir Elton confessed: ‘It’s going to be heartbreaking for him to grow up and realise he hasn’t got a mummy. But he’s so happy. I’ve never seen a more contented child. ‘And you have never seen two more contented people as David and I.’ Talking about boosting their family, the singer said: ‘I’d love to have more children. ‘I want Zachary to have a brother or a sister to go to school with him, and so that he can have someone to play with.’ Speaking earlier this year, Mr Furnish, a former advertising executive turned filmmaker, said: ‘I would like Zachary to have a sibling.’ Mr Furnish was by Sir Elton’s side as they showed off Zachary at their annual Oscars party in February, when the little boy wore his own monogrammed Yves Saint Laurent jacket and was surrounded by stars. Mr Furnish admitted: ‘I think he would be better with a sibling than on his own. It’s something we talk about all the time. But in terms of when, where and how, nothing’s decided yet. ‘I think we are going to wait till this summer. Our life is always like a treadmill, with Elton constantly working and touring. ‘But when we go away to our house in France, that’s when we sit back and go OK, how is this working, how are you feeling?’ The logistics had clearly been discussed, as Mr Furnish added: ‘We could go back to the same egg donor, so biologically there would certainly be a connection between brother and brother or brother and sister.’ And he confirmed that he and Sir Elton would probably again both donate sperm to fertilise the egg, ‘so we don’t know which one of us is the father’. But the couple may have to seek another surrogate, Mr Furnish said. The unnamed woman who gave birth to Zachary ‘has been a surrogate before but has a life of her own and her own family,’ he added. ‘It’s a big commitment to make – nine months of their life that doesn’t just affect them but their children, their husband, their partner. ‘If we found a surrogate who is half as beautiful as our first, we would be very lucky.’ Meanwhile, Sir Elton admitted during his interview with Matt Lauer on the NBC Today show that he ‘wasted’ much of his life on drugs. The singer also admitted that he felt like the ‘luckiest man in the world’ to survive his drug addiction at a time when people were dying of AIDS. He said: ‘I wasted such a big part of my life, when this epidemic was beginning to happen in the early 1980s. ‘I was a drug addict and self-absorbed. I was having people die right, left, and centre around me, friends. And yet I didn’t stop. I was consumed by cocaine, booze and who knows what else.’ He added: ‘When you take a drug and you take a drink and you mix those two together, you think you’re invincible. I came out of this HIV-negative. I was the luckiest man in the world.’ The interview also discussed when Sir Elton came out as gay, and he recalled a period when ‘people burned my records and radio stations didn’t play me’. Article: 15th July 2012 www.dailymail.co.uk Pride Angel endorses using known egg donors in order for the donor-conceived to be able to know of their 'mother' from an early age. Often this relationship is often purely an understanding of their origins, but can make a big difference to the well-being of the children. To find out more about known egg donors click here.

Talking to kids about 'Gay'

Amelia from Huffington Post has recently written an excellent article about the question of talking to kids about people being 'Gay'. In some families the introduction of LBGT family members requires finesse or lengthy explanation. I don't have one of those families. After a whirlwind romance my brother Harold and his then-fiancée Jeanne, now my sister-in-law, were addressing their wedding invitations. They had a conversation that went a little like this: Jeanne: "You have an aunt named Danny?" Harold: "Nope, that's my uncle." Jeanne, a little confused: "Then you have an aunt named Rich?" Harold: "No. Wait for it. It will click." Jeanne: "Oh! Good for them." That's about as complicated as we get. (Although we do still tease Jeanne about it 14 years later.) As of today, two states have "don't say gay" legislation pending: Tennessee and Missouri. One of the reasons given for these bills is that mentioning the existence of gay people in public schools will cause parents to have unwanted conversations with their children that would require them to explain "gay." The implication is that this is a conversation that is awkward, horrible, complicated, and impossible to do in an age-appropriate way. I've never seen it that way, but I decided to call my friend Anne, whose children are the same age as mine, to ask her if she'd ever explained "gay" to her kids. In her family the conversation started because of the lesbian couple that owns and runs our local café. Their daughters knew the couple lived together (in our neighborhood), and one day their oldest daughter asked why. "At first my husband told her it was because they were really good friends," Anne recalled. "Later I talked to him about it, because that wasn't really the truth. We then explained to the girls that they lived together because they loved each other just like Mommy and Daddy." Nothing horrible there. To get another opinion I called Jeanne. My nieces are in their tweens, and she might have another take on it. "I'm thinking," she said, taking a moment to collect her thoughts after I asked. "You know, I don't think we ever had a big conversation about it. Gay people have always just been a fact to them. There really was never a need. More than anything, we talk about how bullying gay people is wrong, and how important it is to stand up for your friends." What always baffles me about those people who fight against equality "for the sake of the children" is that they always act like explaining homosexuality to kids is the same thing as explaining homosexual sex acts to them. When I asked both moms whether they had conversations about what gay sex looked like with their kids, they were both a little stunned. "That's not age-appropriate for my kids," Anne said, "but neither is explaining the mechanics of heterosexual sex." "We haven't," Jeanne told me, "and the girls haven't asked. But I am sure they will. One of the girls' friends came out to her recently, so that's probably on its way." "Do you worry about it?" I asked. "Not really. Talking about sex with a kid is always awkward and embarrassing for them. It won't be any worse or better than any other sex talk." The truth is that explaining to children (or anyone, for that matter) what being gay means isn't difficult. It's about love and attraction. It's about whose hand someone wants to hold, or whom someone wants to ask to a dance. It's about emotion and the way people feel. It only gets complicated when adults make it complicated, when parents and other adults try to deny the parts about being gay that aren't related to which body part gets put where, when being gay is diluted to only being about sex. And why do people feel like boiling it down to only sex? Because then they can make it bad. They can make it about "evil" acts done by "sinful" people and vilify them. It is harder to make a villain out of the women whom the kids adore and who run their favorite café and love each other so much that they want to live together and spend their lives together. One of the many reasons the "don't say gay" laws are dangerous is that they essentially want to wipe the existence of gay people out of children's lives. But that's impossible, because some of those children are gay people. Never mentioning that some people are gay will only make those children feel isolated, alone, and wrong. It will contribute to depression and can lead to bad decisions. Just ask anyone who has lived more than half his or her life in deep self-loathing, or the woman who married the man of her dreams only to find out after the children were born that he is gay, or any of the children driven to take their own lives because they were unable to see a future in which they could be happy. Oh, wait, you can't. As a society, we need to get our heads out of the sand and face the fact that LGBT people are a reality in all our lives. No amount of hiding or attempting to silence this fact will make it disappear, so we might as well start talking about it and keep talking about it until everyone's response is, "Oh! Good for them."

Gay Parenting: It's complicated - Guardian's feature on same-sex parenting

Emma Brockes has written a fabulous major feature for this weekend’s Guardian Weekend magazine on same sex parenting, in which Natalie Gamble Associates are proud to be quoted. The piece tells the story of three modern same sex parent families: Kellen and Patricia, lesbian mums from New York who have a daughter and are now expecting twins, following egg swapping IVF – Patricia is the birth mother but she carried embryos created with Kellen’s eggs. Will Halm and Marcellin Simard, gay dads to three children age 15, 13 and 10, who pioneered surrogacy as gay dads in California, where they were the first same sex parents to be named on a birth certificate together, and where Will now represents others as a fertility lawyer. Andrew Solomon and John Habich, gay dads to a truly alternative family structure – a son through surrogacy who they are raising together, and three more children co-parented with two different mothers. It is a wonderful picture of the realities of modern same sex parenting, with scenarios we are increasingly dealing with for families in the UK too. All the parents involved talk vividly about the challenges and problems they have faced as gay parents – not the playground prejudice and emotional problems many might expect, but losing legal rights when crossing borders, and grappling with obstructive passport authorities. But the biggest problem of all for alternative families remains surrogacy. As Emma says in her article: There is, in all this, one glaringly unsubtle problem, and that is surrogacy, which as a percentage affects gay men more than any other group. Commercial surrogacy is illegal in the UK, forcing many childless couples to seek help abroad. When they return, the British government is reluctant to endorse an arrangement that undermines public policy. “English law applies its own rules as to who the parents are, irrespective of what happens abroad,” says Natalie Gamble, the country’s leading fertility lawyer. “So even if you’re named as the parent on a US birth certificate, English law will say that the surrogate is the mother and if she’s married, her husband is the father.” This can lead to some bizarre situations. In 2008, Gamble’s firm acted for a British couple who had used a surrogacy service in Ukraine. “In Ukraine, the law said they were the parents. But under English law, the Ukrainian surrogate and her husband were the parents. The systems were in direct conflict. The result was that the children had no parents and no nationality. They had no right to stay in Ukraine, and they had no passport to cross any borders. That’s the worst nightmare of international surrogacy.” Gamble persuaded the Home Office to issue the children with discretionary entry clearance, then applied to the high court for a parental order, naming the British couple as legal parents. We have long campaigned for alternative families, both individually in court, and by arguing hard for changes to the law (including supporting the UK’s legal changes allowing gay dads and lesbian mums to be named on birth certificates together). Why do we do this? Because we believe that parents who love and cherish their children raise wonderful families, no matter what the structure. With that in mind we want to salute, above all, what Will Halm says about his teenage daughter: “That a test tube baby, from two gay men, is a well-adjusted, smart, polished girl at 15, who is comfortable talking about her family – she is what I would like the world to see. Not the parents who are creating the child, but the children themselves.” Article: 23rd April 2012 by Natalie Gamble Associates

Are you co-parenting or looking to co-parent? we want to hear your story

An Emmy award winning production company is interested to hear true life testimonials from people who are currently in a co-parenting relationship or are looking to start a co-parenting relationship.
For research purposes, our company is looking for insight into the reasons why people co-parent and the journey's people go through during the process in efforts to understand something that is just now emerging in the culture in a more public way.

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With your help, we hope to gather enough information about the co-parenting world to hopefully be able to develop awareness around the topic.

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Gay sperm donor in custody battle with lesbian couple

A gay man who donated his sperm to enable his lesbian ex-wife to become pregnant is demanding overnight and holiday access to their two-year-old son. The woman and her female partner have instructed their lawyers to fight the man's demands on the basis he has 'betrayed' a 'pact' the threesome made before the baby was conceived, in which they allegedly agreed he would have 'limited' parental rights. The parents are not being named in order to protect the little boy's identity, but are reportedly all highly-paid professionals living in central London.
The father is said to have attended the baby's birth and currently has five hours of contact a fortnight with him. He claims he was always more than just a sperm donor, and now wants the right to have a full parenting role in his son's life. The Appeal Court heard that the man had been 'utterly consistent' in his desire to parent the little boy, and gained 'pleasure and joy' from interacting with his son.

The child's mum, however, says they had a 'clearly agreed' pact with the man before the baby was even conceived, which stated she and her female partner would be the 'primary parents' within a 'two-parent, nuclear family'. The court heard that the man was previously in a marriage of convenience with the woman which ended in divorce.

The Appeal Court judges are now being asked to rule whether the toddler would the better off with 'three parents and two homes'. The lawyer for the mum and her partner said the couple had been left with 'bitterness and betrayal' and would have used an anonymous sperm donor if they had known the dad would take this stance.

Charles Howard QC, told the court: "Notwithstanding their sexuality and that they acknowledge to that extent that they are an alternative family, the mother and her partner hold very traditional views of family life and would not have chosen to bring a child into anything other than an intact, two-parent, family.

"The ideal upbringing for a child is a stable home in which the parents love each other and had together chosen to bring a child into the world. This is the upbringing which the mother and her partner always wanted to create for this little boy. They were always of the view that their son's best interests militated against him spending very much time away from them or from his home.

"The intention was always that the father, who was at one time their close friend, would generally see the boy in their company by sharing in activities and family events. The breakdown of the friendship has had the result that the boy is spending far more time away from his primary parents than they had anticipated."

"To this couple, the concept of 'three parents, two homes' repeated so often by the father, is very alien and has never been something they could consider. This is something which they have had to accept but it represents a significant departure from their initial plans for their son's upbringing. They cannot conceive of their child being shuttled, physically but more significantly emotionally, between two homes and it is something that they believe will harm their son and cause significant emotional damage."

The dad's lawyer said his client had no desire to undermine the role of the mum and her partner as the child's primary carers, but wants sufficient contact with the toddler to enable a 'developing relationship' with his only son. What a messy situation!

This article shows the importance of setting out clear intentitions between recipients and donors prior to conception and that legal sperm donor agreements must be put in place to help with any possible future disputes. Read more about sperm donor legal rights.
www.prideangel.com

Charlie Condou | Two dads, one mum - one family

One of the great things about my family is that, instead of the usual two parents, Georgia (and baby-to-be) have three. That's three pairs of hands to share the load and, especially given that we're all flexibly self-employed and close friends, it means that life runs pretty smoothly most of the time.
Last month, for example, we decided to make the most of the sudden burst of late-summer weather, as well as the fact that I had a bit of time off from Coronation Street, and all head down to the country for the week. Georgia loved having all her parents (and one set of grandparents) around, and the three of us enjoyed chilling together and spoiling her, making the most of these last few months of "her-only childhood".

Last week I found myself in the highly unusual position of being a single parent. Cam had gone back to Canada for his mum and dad's 50th wedding anniversary, while Catherine had a number of work things to deal with. She's also entering the third trimester of pregnancy, and is at the stage where she tires easily, particularly as an older mother-to-be, so I took Georgia home with me for three days.

Aside from the obvious lone-parenting issues – plonking your child in front of Peppa Pig while you go to the loo with the door open, for example – the biggest difference was being able to create our own timetable.

I didn't have to meet Catherine or Cam for hand-overs or meal times, so Georgia and I could pootle through the day at our own pace, going wherever the mood took us. Because, of course, the down side of three parents is that there are three people's schedules and needs to consider. So, for those few days, much as I love Catherine, much as I miss Cam, having Georgia all to myself was a rare treat.

Yes, I know how spoilt that sounds. I'm sure there are countless single parents reading this and rolling their eyes. I have plenty of friends who really are bring up children alone, so I'm well aware that the reality of single parenting, day in, day out, is that it can be stressful, exhausting and lonely.

The time alone with my daughter felt like a luxury precisely because I don't have to do it all the time. I don't have to struggle out of bed seven days a week, regardless of how I feel, I don't have to juggle work and childcare and shopping and cooking, while trying to cling to the vestiges of a social life. I have it easy and so, when I do get Georgia to myself, I make the most of it. In fact, I wallow in it – playing and snuggling and enjoying every minute of her two-year-old cuteness. The fact that I also have to spend so much time away in Manchester filming the TV show only serves to make time alone with Georgia feel even more like a luxury.

I wonder again how I'll manage to love the new baby with the same ferocity with which I love Georgia. Even though I know rationally that I will, and everyone tells me "babies bring their own love", it still seems unfathomable.

Before Georgia was born, I had a clear picture of what fatherhood would be like, but this time, when I try to think ahead to being a father of two, my imagination fails, and I struggle to see it emotionally or practically. I am excited about the new baby, but I'm apprehensive, too.

Right now, fatherhood feels so perfect that the thought of any change makes me nervous. Then I think about holding my son in my arms, and I know it's going to work out fine.

Article: 29th October 2011 www.guardian.co.uk

Read more about gay and lesbian families at Pride Angel

Glad to be gay parents - Is life getting easier for gay families?

With more same-sex celebrity couples proudly parading their children, is life getting easier for these unconventional set-ups?
Eleven years ago, when Karen decided to try for a baby with her long-term partner, she had no idea how to go about it. She felt uncomfortable disclosing her lesbian relationship to her doctor and wasn't keen on using a sperm bank because she felt strongly that she wanted her child to know who its father was. In the end, by chance, a friend offered to donate sperm. "When I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon with happiness," she says. "But back then, there wasn't any information for gay and lesbian couples so throughout the whole thing we felt isolated and totally unaware of any legal issues, which could easily have arisen."

In fact, Barrie and Tony Drewitt-Barlow made legal history in 1999 when they won a battle to bring their twins, conceived via donor eggs and carried to term by a surrogate mother, home to Britain after they were born in America. The twins became the first British children to be registered as having two fathers and no mother.

Nowadays things are a bit different. We've got Elton John and David Furnish introducing their surrogate son, Zachary, on the front of OK! magazine. In February, we had Sex and the City's Cynthia Nixon introducing the world to the baby boy she had with her girlfriend, Christine Marinoni. Glee star Jane Lynch is stepmother to two daughters from her partner Dr Lara Embry's previous relationship. And there's even a gay adoption plot brewing in EastEnders. It's now so commonplace, a new bi-monthly glossy entitled Pink Parenting is due to hit the newsstands next month.

The magazine is the creation of long-term gay couple Jeff Crockett and Giorgiou Severi, who also publish Europe's leading fertility magazine, Fertility Road. The first issue features an interview with Ricky Martin talking about his twin boys, Valentino and Matteo, recipes from children's food expert Annabel Karmel, plus everything same-sex couples need to know about adoption, fostering and surrogacy.

Over the past 50 years, we have seen a complete shift in what the model of the family looks like and it appears the rise of the gay family is a big part of the next chapter. According to the Department for Education, there were 120 same-sex couples who adopted in 2010. Crockett and Severi cite figures from the 2000 American census, which revealed that 39 per cent of same-sex couples in the States between the ages of 22 and 55 were raising children. "Gay surrogacy or adoption is becoming a common-day occurrence, we are used to the idea. The world is ready for it now," Severi says.

Karen and Erika agree. After their less-than-happy experience 11 years ago, they decided to set up a website, Pride Angel, which is now the world's leading connection site putting lesbian and gay couples together with donors. It provides masses of information, including how to draw up the all-important donor or co-parenting agreements that outline financial and legal obligations.
That Pride Angel now has more than 7,000 members is testament to how big this issue has become.

When Oskana decided to have a baby with her long-term partner, Stacey, they too were lucky enough to have a friend volunteer to donate sperm. They now have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, both of whom were carried by Oskana but adopted by Stacey within weeks of the birth. Now both mothers have names on the birth certificate and absolutely equal parenting rights.

"We sat down with the donor and worked everything out," Oskana says. "He wanted to have visibility but in a sort of 'distant uncle' kind of way. We agreed he would have no rights and no responsibilities and that he wouldn't be morally or financially obligated to do anything."

Stuart and Mark, who live near Manchester and have been in a civil partnership since 2008, took the adoption route. This month, the papers finally came through saying that the two young boys who had been placed with them since last May were officially theirs.

Even though it's now enshrined in law, in the Adoption and Children Act 2002, that same-sex couples get exactly the same rights as heterosexual couples when it comes to adoption, Stuart says he definitely felt they were treated differently because they were gay. "We went for an open evening at Stockport Council and noticed that our names were highlighted in red on the attendance register but nobody else's was," Stuart says. "But once we found the right agency – After Adoption – it was superb. They were very supportive, really thorough, and it really wasn't an issue that we were gay."

To read more go to http://bit.ly/oCApko

Gay Family Case Study – Can you help?

The Independent newspaper are doing feature about same-sex parents and would love to speak to lesbian or gay couples who are bringing up children together.
It would be very straightforward - about what it's like at the school gates, other people's perceptions, whether attitudes are changing and also simple practical issues. It would be for a phone interview which could be done anonymously if you prefer.

If you can help at all please email: info@prideangel.com or alternatively contact us at Pride Angel for further information.

The piece is tied to a new newspaper that is coming out called Pink Parenting.

With modern life comes the modern family as many gay and lesbian couples seek to fulfill their biological needs of having a family. Pink Parenting is here to do just that.

Bringing you everything you need to start a family from surrogacy options, adoption and the legal aspects of being a modern family to what's the best stroller out there on the market.

Find out more about Pink Parenting magazine just visit: www.pink-parenting.com

For more information about sperm donation, using a known donor and gay parenting visit www.prideangel.com

The children we fostered didn't care if we were gay or straight

Six years ago, DAVE THOMAS and his partner decided to become foster parents – but as a gay couple, they faced and uphill struggle. Here, he recalls the obstacles they overcame to provide a family for children in need

WE FIRST thought about fostering six years ago. Patrick and I wanted children, but gay couples in Ireland aren’t allowed to adopt, which seemed unfair. So we discussed fostering, which is allowed.

It would be another two years before we would apply. In that time, we wondered whether we would be able to cope with the challenging behaviour of a damaged child. How would it affect our private lives? Would people talk about us in a negative way?

To foster in Ireland, you apply either to the HSE or a private fostering company. We chose the private company, which had a comprehensive list of support services. A social worker visited and explained that the intensive assessment could take months.

If you had any skeletons in your closet, she warned, they would emerge. We had no concerns on that score, and waited excitedly for the letter of acceptance from the company. When it arrived, it was a rejection.

A representative explained that, while we were “excellent candidates to foster”, the company was rejecting us because I had not told my parents I was gay. They accepted that my elderly parents already knew, but they still wanted me to tell them.

Unless that happened, our application would go no further. We asked the company whether they had insisted that heterosexual couples tell their parents they were straight. They hadn’t.

We wrote suggesting they were discriminating against us. When the company director visited, we told him we would pursue legal action. A week later, our application was processed.

To read more go to

Gay and lesbian couples in France don't have equal family rights

Gay couples in France are resorting to drastic measures to have children, according to campaigners.

Couples were resorting to costly and legally precarious methods, said Philippe Rollandin, spokesman for APGL, the largest association representing homosexual parents in France.

Campaigners are also unhappy that the children of homosexual couples have less protection than the offspring of heterosexual pairs if one parent dies or the couple separates.

"Homosexual couples are becoming more dismayed and angry about this clear discrimination in France, particularly as we are seeing the situation changing so clearly in Europe," he said.

Unlike in the UK, where gay parents have equal rights over their child, in France only one – the biological or adoptive parent – has automatic parental rights, said Caroline Mecary, a specialist gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender rights lawyer.

This means the non-biological parent cannot make emergency health decisions, travel alone with the children or pass on their inheritance. Crucially, if the officially recognised parent dies, the child is, in legal terms, an orphan in the eyes of the state.

"One half of the couple has no legitimacy in the eyes of the law, which is bad for the parents but even worse for the children," she said. "They are left in a legal no-man's land."

Rollandin said a ban on gay couples adopting had resulted in a generation of "Thalys babies", named after the high-speed train line between France and Belgium, where women can legally obtain artificial insemination. The APGL estimates that about 70% of lesbian couples with children used artificial insemination, which can cost between €1,000 (£880) to €3,000 (£2,600) in Belgium and up to €€6,000 in Spain.

Male couples were increasingly resorting to paying surrogate mothers to have children, said Rollandin. About half use this method, costing up to €120,000. Lesbian and gay couples are also using matchmaking websites to meet other couples or donors in order to have children.

To read more go to http://bit.ly/ezAAXv

Gay and lesbian parenting research - can you help?

Would you like to take part in some cutting edge, exciting new research?

Emilie Garvey, an undergraduate Sociology student at Newcastle University, is interested in hearing from lesbian and gay individuals and couples to take part in an exciting project in a new and expanding area of research: Assisted Reproduction and the Alternative Family. The aim of the study is to explore the experiences of same-sex couples in their decision-making processes involved in starting a family of their own with the aid of assisted reproduction technologies. The study also welcomes participation from gay and lesbian individuals who might start a family in the future or who simply would like to offer an opinion or point of view for the research.

Why is the study being done?

Recent changes in legislation have widened the options available for same-sex couples who wish to start a family. Media portrayals of celebrity couples undergoing such processes have also recently increased public awareness of the decision making process, the social stigma that such couples might have to face and have offered a chance to ‘look inside’ the ‘Alternative Family’. This study, however, aims to research the decision making processes involved prior to, and throughout, the process. The researcher also hopes gain an in depth understanding of the obstacles and hurdles which affect same-sex couples in the UK who wish to have a family of their own.

Am I eligible to take part?

If you are a lesbian woman or gay man, single, in a relationship or in a civil partnership, who have experience of assisted reproduction in starting a family, or who would simply like to offer the researcher an opinion on the issues involved, you are eligible to take part in this study.

To read more go to http://bit.ly/hlKLTU