Best friends became brothers in our new gay family

Some of those fighting marriage equality these days, want you to believe that there is only a single possible right way to create a “real” family. The way they suggest is by means of unprotected, unplanned, procreative sex. Or, as Nan Hunter observes, “accidental procreation” which then warrants 1500 protections and benefits by means of a “bribe (for) heterosexuals “ to get married. Only the biologically created family deserves marriage, they argue, and all the rewards to stay together. The notion is insulting and absurd, not only for same sex coupled families, but for opposite sex families as well. Real families come together in a variety of ways, the best of which is when all the members love each other and deeply desire a lifetime bond. That is what happened in my family. My partner and I had pursued various options to expanding our family beyond the two of us. We explored surrogacy, and we explored private adoption. All potential routes to family have pitfalls. As we were going through our evaluation process, I remember discussing the options with a total stranger at an airport. She saw me pouring through literature and shared stories of her numerous miscarriage heartbreaks on her way to having a family. “Whichever way you choose, just know it can be hard, but it will be OK and worth it,” she stated as we said goodbye. My partner and I ultimately chose fostercare/adoption. Having come from recovery experiences ourselves, it was a great fit. We understood the situations of the birthparents without judgment, and we understood the real need of the children as well as the obstacles they might face. We committed, trained and waited for the call for a placement. We got numerous calls for toddlers on temporary care. Those were great experiences. Then, we got a call about a newborn baby, born six weeks prematurely to a heroin addicted mother. He weighted 4 lbs, and had heroin exposure himself. He was to be ours for the foreseeable future. I carried him on a sling on my chest for the next few months. We had to make sure he got a sufficient amount of nourishment in each feeding to avoid brain damage as we went through the process of supporting his birth parents through possible reunification. When those efforts failed, we went on to full adoption. We named the baby, now ours, Jason. As Jason passed his one year birthday, we opened up our home for the potential of adding a sibling. We got a placement. She was a beautiful baby girl, and she looked just like Jason did when he was a newborn. We had warm feelings to keep her, but were equally enthused that her birth mother was responding well to the recovery program. We supported that momentum and looked forward to a safe mother and daughter reunion. Meanwhile, good friends of ours, another foster family, had a 10 month old little boy placed with them. He had been discovered abandoned in a trailer. My partner often did play dates with them, and the little boy in their care and our son Jason became very close and attached. They seemed to speak a common language, playing well together. My partner called me at work one day, “You have to come see this little boy and how he and Jason are. I told the other family that if anything was a problem with their placement, to let us know and we would love to take him.” I was alright with this, but a little guarded as our plan had been to have a boy and a girl—not two boys. Plans change and life takes over. When I got home that evening, the play date was still going on. I will never forget the moment that I first saw Jesse. He was crawling around the corner headed toward the dishwasher as I was headed the other way… and we locked eyes. It was one of the most profound moments of my life. Here I was with direct eye contact with this toddler and the look between us said it all… “Hi Dad, I am your son. Hi Jesse, I am going to be your Dad.” A week later, it happened. The fostermom called and asked if we were serious about our offer. It turns out that her family had to move into very tight quarters temporarily and she was much better equipped to care for the baby we were nursing, than Jesse, the rough and tumble toddler . So, we called the authorities, and made the switch. Jason and Jesse, new best friends, were now on the way to potentially becoming brothers. I was worried however, being the working Dad, that I might not get to bond with Jesse as I had with Jason. I did not get to carry him on me for months, and saw him in the mornings before I left for work, and in time for a kiss goodnight when I returned. He was exposed to my partner, other fostercare providers and others more than he was seeing me. I wish I could say that road to brotherhood was trouble free. It was not. Jesse was still on a unification plan with a birth parent, and it looked like things in that regard might be successful, until one horrible weekend. Jesse came back from an overnight visit battered and bruised. We called the social worker immediately and the reunification attempts were closed. I slept by his crib for the next two weeks, and although he was normally a through-the –night sleeper, he awoke nightly screaming and crying. Controlling my own anger and pain, I grabbed him and held him, as nightly the reaction grew less and less until he was again able to sleep through the night. I don’t know if being there for him in that way was the factor, but our bonding was not an issue. As he has grown, we are lock step and almost able to read each other’s minds. As I look at my sons, I am filled with the awareness of a love for each that I could never fathom in my wildest imagination previously. The love I have for each is unique, each powerful in its own right, but its own “color” if you will. Jason is the son of my heart, Jesse is the son of my soul. Today they act as twins. Since he is physically bigger, they have decided that Jesse is the “big brother”. Since he was born four months earlier, Jason has been dubbed, by mutual consent, as the “older brother”. We do not have a “little brother” in the family. That is how two little best friends became brothers. It is how my gay family came together. We have a unique story, but we are not unique. All same-gendered parent families have a story. While my friend at the airport was right, “all ways can be hard”, all ways can also be miraculous, loving and intensely wonderful. How our families come together is being judged today, and in the next few months. It will be judged by the US Supreme Court. Our families are likely to be judged long after that as well, no matter what the results. And, no matter what the judgments on our value, I will always know the truth. I know how thoroughly REAL we are. I live it and I have seen it. I saw it as I looked into a little boy’s eyes for the first time in front of a dishwasher. Article: 15th January 2014 www.goodmenproject.com

Dutch lesbian couple go into hiding with Turkish foster son

A Dutch lesbian couple has gone into hiding with their foster son after the boy’s biological parents went on television in Turkey and said that they consider the pair morally unfit to take care of their child. The row is threatening to overshadow an official visit by the Turkish prime minister to the Netherlands next week. The Associated Press reports the Dutch vice prime minister told reporters on Friday that political interference from Turkey would be “inappropriate.” He praised the foster parents for taking on a “child in danger” and defended Dutch social service policies as discriminating only on the basis of parental ability. The nine-year-old boy was removed from his biological parents’ care in the Netherlands while he was still a baby. There’s currently a shortage of Islamic foster families in the Netherlands. Turkish children have been placed in Christian families as well as with gay parents, both in Holland and in Belgium – which has caused anger in traditional parts of Turkish society. Last month, Turkish authorities began procedures to remove Turkish children from foreign gay foster parents. Article: 15th March 2013 www.pinknews.co.uk

Gay and lesbian in UK urged to consider adoption or fostering

Gay and lesbian people are being urged to learn more about adoption and fostering as part of the LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week . The event runs between Monday 4 March – Sunday 10 March – and is organised by New Family Social, the charity run by LGBT adopters and foster carers for families and families-to-be. The British Association of Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) says an estimated 4,000 children need adopting every year, with the Fostering Network stating that around 9,000 extra foster carers are needed to bridge the shortfall for children currently in care. However, experts say this could be done if just two percent of LGBT people came forward to foster or adopt. LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week is a series of events around the country aimed to educate prospective parents and carers about the processes involved and to let them hear from others in their area who have adopted or fostered children themselves. Action for Children is the week’s main sponsor, and the charity’s Director of Public Policy, Helen Donohoe, said: “From 140 years of working with the UK’s most vulnerable children, we know how important it is to find the best possible placement for each and every child in care – and we know that LGBT people often come to adoption or fostering as the first choice for expanding their family, bringing love, real enthusiasm and resourcefulness. “Throughout LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week, our friendly approachable staff will be on hand at events across the UK to answer questions and help potential parents take the first steps towards providing one of the thousands of children desperately in need with a stable, loving home.” Andy Leary-May, Director of New Family Social, added: “Some people are still put off by fears that they won’t be welcomed by agencies, but things are changing. In our group we have huge and diverse range of families, including plenty of parents who are single, or in their fifties. It’s clear to see how well our children are doing, and what a positive and rewarding choice fostering and adoption can be”. LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week runs from Monday 4 March – Sunday 10 March For information and to find an event nearby, visit lgbtadoptfosterweek.org.uk Article: 14th February 2013 www.pinknews.co.uk

Happy Father's Day to all dads, single, gay, co-parents or donors

Happy father’s day to all the dads out there, be it biological, non-biological, co-parents or donors who may be known as ‘Dad’.
Whatever role you play in a child’s life, today is the day to remember and celebrate. Some children may have two dads; other families may not have a dad in their lives. Father’s day can be a great opportunity to celebrate the other father figures in your child’s life, be it an uncle or grandfather.

Maybe you are not a dad yet, but have thought about the options. In Los Angeles, Father’s day is used to highlight and encourage gay and lesbian couples to consider fostering or adoption. Maybe you want to be a full time dad through surrogacy, a part-time dad by being a co-parent or a ‘dad’ without all the responsibility by being a sperm donor

London council appeals for more gay couples to become foster parents

A London council is appealing for more gay couples to come forward to foster children in need of homes.
Lambeth council says it particularly needs carers for teenagers, disabled children and those on remand.

Cllr Pete Robbins, Lambeth Council Cabinet Member for Children and Young People Services, said he was concerned that so few gay couples in the borough are coming forward.

He said: “We are worried that gay couples in the borough think they can’t apply but this is simply not the case. There are many myths around who can be a foster carer, so this Fathers’ Day, we are urging single men, gay men and gay couples to come forward and find out more about fostering. The ability to provide a stable and loving environment for a child is the first qualification.”

Same-sex couples have been allowed to adopt or foster children jointly since 2005. However, only 3.75 per cent of children adopted in England in 2010 were adopted by gay couples. London is suffering a city-wide shortage of foster carers, especially those who can look after teenagers.

Mr Robbins added: “We are looking for foster carers from diverse backgrounds to provide children with a stable environment until it’s time for them to return home, move to a new permanent family or move to independent living. You do not have to be married, own your home or have children.

“At Lambeth, we are particularly in need of carers who can offer care for teenagers and young people who have been remanded to Lambeth by the courts. As well as carers for babies, children with a disability, and children who need a break from their natural parents (respite care).”

Lambeth council is inviting anyone interested in fostering to attend an information meeting in room 101 of the Town Hall on June 28th, between 4.30pm and 5.45pm. For more information, call 020 7926 8710.

Simon and his partner have been foster parents with Lambeth council for four years.

He said: “Many gay people are put off applying as they don’t think they will be accepted as foster parents but this is not true. Fostering is a joy and you will make a real difference to a child who needs it. The ability to offer a child a loving and stable home life is the main criteria.

“We fostered a 16-year-old who came to us lacking confidence and with very low self-esteem. He told us he ‘felt worthless’ and was a ‘waste of space’. Eight months later he performed a song he’d written to an audience of 200 people. Through offering support, stability and a happy, loving home, he gained so much confidence and belief in himself. When you see a change like that you know exactly why you do it.

To read more go to http://bitly.com/iyK24o

The children we fostered didn't care if we were gay or straight

Six years ago, DAVE THOMAS and his partner decided to become foster parents – but as a gay couple, they faced and uphill struggle. Here, he recalls the obstacles they overcame to provide a family for children in need

WE FIRST thought about fostering six years ago. Patrick and I wanted children, but gay couples in Ireland aren’t allowed to adopt, which seemed unfair. So we discussed fostering, which is allowed.

It would be another two years before we would apply. In that time, we wondered whether we would be able to cope with the challenging behaviour of a damaged child. How would it affect our private lives? Would people talk about us in a negative way?

To foster in Ireland, you apply either to the HSE or a private fostering company. We chose the private company, which had a comprehensive list of support services. A social worker visited and explained that the intensive assessment could take months.

If you had any skeletons in your closet, she warned, they would emerge. We had no concerns on that score, and waited excitedly for the letter of acceptance from the company. When it arrived, it was a rejection.

A representative explained that, while we were “excellent candidates to foster”, the company was rejecting us because I had not told my parents I was gay. They accepted that my elderly parents already knew, but they still wanted me to tell them.

Unless that happened, our application would go no further. We asked the company whether they had insisted that heterosexual couples tell their parents they were straight. They hadn’t.

We wrote suggesting they were discriminating against us. When the company director visited, we told him we would pursue legal action. A week later, our application was processed.

To read more go to

Court upholds ban on anti-gay foster carers

The High Court has backed a council’s decision to bar a couple from fostering children because they oppose homosexuality.

Pentecostal Christians Eunice and Owen Johns, of Derby, were told by the city council in 2007 that a fostering panel had rejected them because of their views.

They told a social worker that they could not tell a foster child that homosexuality was acceptable.

They applied to the High Court to clarify policies on foster parents who have “traditional” views on sexuality. Today, the court agreed with the council’s decision.

The Johns, who were supported by the Christian Legal Centre, say they do not recognise sex before marriage, or the validity of civil partnerships.

Mrs Johns said in November: “The council said: ‘Do you know, you would have to tell [children] that it’s OK to be homosexual?’

“But I said I couldn’t do that because my Christian beliefs won’t let me. Morally, I couldn’t do that. Spiritually I couldn’t do that.”

Stonewall chief executive Ben Summerskill said: “We’re delighted that the High Court’s landmark decision has favoured 21st century decency above 19th century prejudice. In any fostering case the interests of the 60,000 children in care should override the bias of any prospective parent.

To read more go to http://bit.ly/fQJWN2

Fathers day for Two Dads

Do you ever wonder what father’s day is like in a house with two dads? In a home with gay parents raising children, the emphasis is on Father’s day being about ‘Fathers’ or parents rather than on an individual.
Father’s day in a house with two dads can be an extra special event. The only challenge however, is that when you are celebrating both of your dads on the same day, then father’s day doesn’t actually celebrate either parent as an individual. Instead of being about one parent it is about both parents which makes it more of a family day.

Other challenges which differ in a house with two dads include: which adult does the organising if the children aren’t old enough themselves? How do you make sure both parents feel equally important? How does special attention between parents get divided? For example who makes breakfast in bed if the children aren’t old enough to do it by themselves?

To read more go to http://bit.ly/bdYYEY