Co-parenting journey - Planning for the unplannable

Pinning down our co-parenting arrangement is proving tricky for me conceptually. Not least because we wrote our statements of intent before we’d even conceived. Five months into the pregnancy, after a few pre-Christmas sick days in which to dip into some co-parenting case law, it’s time to review what we thought we thought back then… it’s all about expectations, don’t you know! All of us have been model co-parents so far - agreeable, co-operative and easy-going – and maybe that’s part of the determination we mummies feel to meet aspirations on all sides. But what happens when the baby comes? We had decided against a formal legal document - the cost of a bespoke solution seemed out of our means and we questioned the usefulness of a (cheaper) template. It may have been legally binding, but perhaps just not meaningful to us without a lot of work – and maybe more money - to tailor it. Feeling that our co-parenting circumstances were highly personal and very unique to us, we opted to agree a parenting statement between us instead. P and G wrote theirs, we agreed their points and made our written response which they then agreed (as mentioned in previous blog). Luckily it revealed shared parenting values and a plenty of consideration that the arrangement would need to ‘evolve’ – really the best we could all have expected, on paper at least. So the next question is ‘how is the first nine months going to work?’ Our baby will need its mummies, the dads will want to see and be with him/her as soon as possible after birth, and we’ll all inevitably fall head over heels in love with our little baby. Just maybe, we’ll no longer feel so relaxed about the evolution of our arrangement. Hmmn, so many questions. And so many possible complications on the winding road ahead. But as each scan brings us closer to our baby – a clue as to just how much we’re going to love it when it finally arrives – I realise that is just the first big test for us all. The first of many many more to come. Getting to the next stage is going to require more talking, thinking and planning (over a dinner of course). Sometimes that might involve saying no, compromise will feature strongly but certainly in the meantime, as we prepare for the birth, it will require the purchase of a sofabed. Perhaps it’s just intangible without baby on the scene… or the pregnancy hormones talking, but now we’ve had a chat about it, trust in our arrangement is the order of the day. And in my lucid moments at least the doubts are giving over to a feeling of optimism - that this thing is really going to work.

Vietnamese lesbian couple hold Valentines Day wedding on a plane

A Vietnamese lesbian couple have celebrated Valentine’s Day – by celebrating their wedding onboard a plane. Same-sex marriage is not legally recognised in Vietnam – but last month the government repealed a law which actively criminalised gay weddings. Passengers on the Vietjet flight to from Ho Chi Minh City to Bangkok today were presumably surprised to find themselves in the midst of a wedding reception for couple Tang Ai Linh and Pham Thi Thanh Phuong. The pair – who have been together for 13 years – approached the airline to ask about the possibility of a ceremonial wedding – but the airline went all out, even decking out the plane with flowers. According to Thanhnien News, the couple exchanged rings on the flight, before sharing a kiss and cutting their wedding cake. The move last month to repeal the same-sex marriage ban was seen by many as a move designed to promote Vietnam’s image as a tolerant and accepting country, and boost tourism especially from LGBT travelers. It is the first country in South East Asia to make such a move. Singapore’s courts upheld its anti-gay laws in October, parts of Indonesia punish homosexuality with 100 lashes, and Brunei passed a law calling for gays to be stoned to death. Article: 14th February 2015 www.pinknews.co.uk Photo:Thanhnien News

Gay, lesbian, straight? looking to co-parent? we want to hear from you

I am a journalist of more than 30 years experience, writing frequently on issues of health, mental health, social issues. I have been asked by the Guardian to write an article on new form families, and how and why they are frequently optimal parents, linked to the book of Susan Golombok's impressive research Modern Families to be published in March. But in order to do this article I need a lead interview for my article with people willing to be identified and to talk about their choices. I would like a couple - could be heterosexual or gay/lesbian - where one is having a child by artificial means as a result of meeting through the internet and who plan to co-parent either in the same or separate homes. If you would be willing to feature in my article - and obviously I would be happy to discuss what I am doing by phone first - I would be delighted to hear from you. angelaneustatter@gmail.com Article: 10th February 2015 Angela Neustatter

Dads refuses to give up Down Syndrome son

When Samuel Forrest of Armenia heard a baby crying from outside his wife's hospital room, he knew his life would change forever. Not only had he become a father, but he would soon receive some unexpected news about his newborn son. "This pediatrician walks out of the room with a little bundle -- that was Leo," Forrest said. "She had his face covered up and hospital authorities wouldn't let me see him or my wife. When the doctor came out, he said 'there’s a real problem with your son.' Forrest followed doctors and nurses into a room where he'd finally get to meet his baby. "When I walked into the room they all turned to me and said 'Leo has Down syndrome," he told ABC News. "I had a few moments of shock." After the news had sunk in, Forrest held Leo for the very first time. "They took me in see him and I looked at this guy and I said, he's beautiful -- he's perfect and I'm absolutely keeping him." Soon Forrest walked into his wife's hospital room with Leo in his arms. Her reaction was unlike one he ever expected. "I got the ultimatum right then," he said. "She told me if I kept him then we would get a divorce." Attempts to reach the hospital for comment weren't immediately successful. The baby's mother, Ruzan Badalyan, told ABC News that she did have a child with Down syndrome and she has left her husband, who has the child, but she declined to elaborate. Forrest, who's from Auckland, New Zealand, said he was completely unaware of the hospital practices in Armenia when it came to children. "What happens when a baby like this is born here, they will tell you that you don’t have to keep them," he said. "My wife had already decided, so all of this was done behind my back." Despite his wife's warnings, Forrest said he never had a doubt in his mind that he would hold onto his son. One week after his birth, Leo's mom filed for divorce. "It's not what I want," Forrest said. "I didn’t even have a chance to speak with her in privacy about it." Forrest, who works as a freelance business contractor, has plans for he and Leo to move to his native country of New Zealand where he said they'll receive support from loved ones. In the meantime, he's enlisted for some help on his GoFundMe page titled "Bring Leo Home." "This really came out of the blue for me," he said. "I don’t have a lot, I have very little in fact. The goal is to raise enough for a year so I can get a part-time job so Leo doesn't have to be in daycare and I can help care for him. He's lost a lot in two weeks. It'd be different if he had his mommy." Forrest has recently been working with disability awareness groups to share his story in the hopes that parents will become better educated on children with special needs. "After what I've been through with Leo, I'm not going to sit back and watch babies be sent to orphanages," he said. "As a child with Down syndrome, that becomes somewhat of a label. If we can get around this label, we’ll see that they’re normal. They’re a little different from us, but they’re still normal. "They all have niches and I want to work hard to find out where Leo's special. This little guy is great." Article: 5th February 2015 www.abcnews.go.com