Seeking out my anonymous sperm donor father

I did once seek out my biological father. A front-page article had hit The New York Times, and I was suddenly spammed by 6,000 well-meaning friends emailing me about DonorSiblingRegistry.com, a website that helps people track down sperm-donor fathers and potential siblings. Back when I was conceived, my moms chose to keep their sperm donor anonymous, in both directions, feeling that doing so best protected the family they were starting, in particular R's position as the non-biological mother. Nowadays there are scores of people reeling in their genetic line on the fishing wire of the Internet, trying to fill in the gaps of parental choices (sound as they may have been). I was intrigued. Suddenly my natural interest in finding my father intersected with the tools to maybe do so. After all, 6,000 friends spamming your inbox about a new website can't be wrong! I knew that my window of opportunity was closing with each year. My sperm-donor father, if he hadn't already been hit by a falling piano or bitten by a venomous snake while hiking, could well be dying of more natural causes. I was also propelled by a haunting scene: an image of my grandchildren, sitting out in front of me on an old person's shaggy carpet, asking, "So, did you, like, make any effort whatsoever to find your dad?" And my disappointing response: "Well, listen, I was busy. Never got around to it. Here, have a cookie and leave me alone." I would imagine the grandkids, all three of them, repulsed by me and my laziness. I had made not one iota of effort not so much to bring them a genetic match of a great-grandfather but at least to make my own life story exciting by way of a Maury-style dad hunt: paternity tests, cussing, muffin tops, everything. I thought maybe I owed them this. I signed up for the website and put in lots of details about myself and the exceedingly minimal info I had on my donor father and the fertility clinic and hospital that my moms had used. I then rather ashamedly told my parents that I was interested in doing this search. This brought up embarrassment for me and initial discomfort for R, who had spent the parenting portion of her life building a parental identity from scratch, not as a biological mother, not as a father, but as a "co-mother," as she was called on my school forms. I would cross out "father" and write "co-mother," and suddenly my emergency contact form would be as political as a burning flag. We talked candidly about how this search should in no way threaten us as a family, and about how my desire to at least casually attempt to find my father was something I needed to do for myself and certainly not as an act of destruction or rebellion. Despite their initial apprehension, my parents soon rallied around this project (as is their custom with projects of mine). It seemed also that my moms had had their own latent curiosity about this mystical sperm donor, and that I was giving them permission to air it. The search quickly yielded a sweet, nerdy man, a member of MENSA, whose donation timeline and basic background (Jew) fit mine. If you can believe this, my family and I actually sat down with him at a brunch place in Greenwich Village called Jane. We liked him. We talked about all sorts of things while silently puzzling over his forehead, his nose, his shoulders, to see if, as a man, I might be him. He was so nebbishy, the sort of guy who practically begs to be shoved into a locker. He kind of seemed like he needed a family. The Maury moment came when he agreed to a paternity test. The days waiting for the results were fraught and exciting. When the results came and he turned out to be just some guy, I realized how deeply entrenched we'd all become in this fantasy. I had let myself believe that this itch could be quickly scratched, failing to see it for what it was: a needle in a haystack and, more specifically, a needle that, very likely, actively didn't want to be found. But on the heels of defeat, I felt peaceful. I had tried. Now my grandkids could shove it. I had made one nominal attempt, and it had been a rather gargantuan expenditure of emotional energy for my moms and me. I had wrestled with the sense that by taking the bait to go on this search, I was delegitimizing my family. Admitting collectively that we were curious, all three of us, was a weight off my shoulders. Article: 19th September 2013 www.huffingtonpost.com

Donor Unknown: Film and DVD review

BEING a child is hard enough. Being a child conceived via sperm donation can be even more difficult.
If the child discovers they were born this way, is it easy enough to carry on regardless or will they go down the road of finding out who their real father is?

It's a dilemma faced by JoEllen Marsh which turned her life around in more ways than one. Donor Unknown follows JoEllen as she reveals everything she went through meeting her half-siblings and, ultimately, her donor father, Jeffrey.

It all happens thanks to website the Donor Sibling Registry - it brought JoEllen and Danielle together.

But a New York Times article about the girls sparked an online search that resulted in dozens of 20-somethings coming forward because they were conceived from the same man.

Describing her first meeting with half-sister Danielle as 'weird', this is a heart-warming look at a subject rarely discussed in public.

In it we meet JoEllen and her half-brothers-and-sisters as well as 'Donor 150' aka the sperm donor, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey likens himself to a 'fringe monkey' - someone who lives on the fringes of society, protecting others from danger. He loves dogs and pigeons and lives in a rusty old camper van on Venice Beach.

A self-confessed hippy who pursued acting and modelling in his younger years, his decision to donate sperm was the result of being chatted up by a woman looking for a donor.

It brings a smile to the face listening to the 'family' talk about the similar traits they share - piano playing, same large toes, the way they push hair behind their ears.

Geoffrey's views on life and government would be considered those of a conspiracy theorist, but in truth, he is harmless.

In the end, Donor Unknown is a light-hearted look at a side of life rarely revealed and avoids focusing on the negatives and firmly shows there can be a positive outcome.

If you missed the showing of Donor Unknown 28th June on More4, why not watch the DVD, due out 11th July.

Film review: by Garry McConnachie 29th June 2011 www.dailyrecord.co.uk

Read more about known sperm and egg donation and donors keeping in touch with their children at www.prideangel.com

JoEllen Marsh spoke on ‘This Morning’ about her search for her father, a Sperm Donor

Twenty-year-old JoEllen Marsh was desperate to find her real father - a sperm donor. Little did she know when she set out on her quest that she'd also find 14 siblings fathered by Donor 150.
This extraordinary story has been made into new documentary Donor Unknown: Adventures in the Sperm Trade, and JoEllen is tells her story today about her fascinating discovery.

View the clip on 'This Morning' at www.thismorning.itv.com

The film Donor Unknown (cert 12A) is in cinemas early June, and will be screening in London, Glasgow, York, Bath, Oxford, Uckfield, Bradford and other towns across the UK.

Below is a list of screenings:

Friday June 3rd – PREMIERE – Apollo Piccadilly Circus, London at 6.45pm
Sunday June 5th - Gate Cinema, Notting Hill at 8.45pm
Tuesday June 7th - Apollo, Stroud at 8.30pm
Thursday June 9th - Glasgow Film Theatre as part of the Glasgow Science Festival at 6pm
Monday June 13th - The Phoenix, Finchley at 9pm
Tuesday June 14th - City Screen Picturehouse, York at 8.30pm
Wednesday June 15th - The Little Theatre Cinema, Bath at 6.30pm
Thursday June 16th – Phoenix Picturehouse, Oxford at 6.30pm
Sunday June 19th – The Picture House, Uckfield, 6pm and 8pm
Monday June 20th – Ritzy Picturehouse, Brixton at 9pm
Wednesday June 22nd - Apollo, Torbay at 8.30pm
Thursday June 23rd – The Lexi Cinema, Kensal Rise at 6.30pm
Sunday June 26th - Arts Picturehouse, Cambridge at 4pm
Tuesday September 13th – British Science Festival, Bradford at 6pm


For more information about bookings visit www.donorunknown.com/uk-screenings

Read more about known donor conception at www.prideangel.com

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